Jaded and Frustrated

Trigger warning: suicide, death of children

So innocent and naive

Clinicals and care plans behind me

All her dreams of helping the injured and ill

To be like the nurses who cared for her as a child

Ten years later…

Jaded, frustrated

The few patients who appreciate the care give her a thin thread of hope

The patients she’s lost along the way, the subpoenas calling her to court.

The 16 year old man child, the infants they gave everything they had but couldn’t save

The overwhelming assignment culminating in a young airman she finally lost after an agonizing fight

She walks out of the room, time of death ringing in her ears. No time to process, to grieve. Four other patients need to be seen.

Berated for not bringing the warm blanket she meant to grab before a monitor’s shrill alarm diverted her attention

Never good enough, never quick enough.

Giving all the blood, sweat, and tears, doing the best she can

She hasn’t peed, eaten, had a sip of water in hours yet all she can think is the irony

The warm blanket in her hands is probably losing heat as quickly as the young man whose chest she’d desperately tried to will back to life

She apologizes and nods, spreads the blanket just so, trying not to take the frustrations to heart. He’s just scared and doesn’t know.

Twelve hour shifts turn to sixteen but finally she makes it home, desperately trying whatever she can to push the day away.

We carry the faces of the survivors home, remembering them clear as day 8 years later.

The father in anguish over his teenage son; if only they hadn’t fought, maybe the bullet wouldn’t be in his head

Go home, try to wash it away. No amount of Hibiclens and hot water stops the barrage of memories.

Wine, art, running. Food, TV, sex. Cigarettes, weed, the gym.

Giving up our souls to save those who won’t, can’t save themselves.

Sacrificing ourselves, our relationships, our families to fill deserted shifts until we realize…nothing is going to change.

The CEOs on the hill collecting their millions, asleep in their beds, oblivious to it all.

The healthcare frontlines taking in pennies, drowning as we take the fall…