Shackles On, or Shackles Off? Making Every Day the Best Day of My Life...

Reading Martha Beck’s Steering by Starlight. I am always blown away how the Universe brings me messages I need to hear, when I’m ready. I started reading this book when I was still married to Nate, filling out some of the questions. It was a little bittersweet reading my answers that involved Nate, but I’ve made peace with this chapter of my life, and I know we were meant to be together for a while, and then part ways. I stopped reading it for some reason back then…because I wasn’t ready mentally, emotionally, or spiritually to hear the message.

Shackles on, or shackles off is so simple, but has already made such an impact on my life. When am I depressed, anxious, melancholy? Usually when I’m doing something that does not resonate for me personally. When am I joyful, content, at peace? When I’m doing something that makes me feel like I have a purpose, that I’m fulfilling my calling, whatever that may be.

When faced with a decision, I ask myself does this make me feel chained, locked up, anxious? Or does it make me feel free, optimistic, hopeful, excited?

I am so thankful for my boss, and my co-workers. I quit my job as a prison nurse without having another job lined up because I was that concerned for my nursing license. There were things happening that I was not comfortable with and while initially that job was exciting, once I started feeling like claustrophobic when I went into the sallyport and unlocked the double doors to medical, I knew I needed a change. Yet in looking back I know there was a reason I felt called to do that job for a time—it ripped the blinders off my eyes and showed me exactly what addiction is doing to our society, just how much people are hurting and self-medicating, and just how much mental health resources are lacking in our community.

Anyway, I put in my notice, trusting the Universe had my back. As I sent the email notifying my manager of my two weeks’ notice, a huge weight I hadn’t even realize I was carrying was lifted from my shoulders. I felt fifty pounds lighter. Shackles off…this was a step in the right direction. Extremely scary, but the stress of staying would be even worse.

A friend I went to nursing school reached out to me after seeing a Facebook post. I hadn’t spoken to her in years, but she messaged me. We started catching up and I told her I was looking for a job. She told me she was hiring for a clinical analyst and encouraged me to put in my application as soon as possible.

A week later I started working a dream job—Monday through Friday, building orders, order sets, nursing assessments, and provider documentation in Meditech. I loved it, and it came easily. I was where I was supposed to be. I adore my co-workers and I enjoy what I do. I started a program to get my master’s in informatics, yet after I completed the first class I just couldn’t go on. When I pictured my future, I couldn’t see myself sitting there, doing the same thing five years from now. It just didn’t resonate.

This thought made me feel so conflicted. I should be grateful for this job, my boss, my co-workers. It was flexible, allowed me to work from home on Tuesdays, allowed me to come in later on the days when I had an hour commute to get my boys to school and then drive to town. So why didn’t I feel fulfilled? Why was it getting harder and harder to get out of bed in the morning? Why was I being so ungrateful? Why did it feel like shackles were forming on my wrist?

I turned to my therapist, trying to figure out the answer. I left her office an hour later, feeling buoyant and hopeful. The answer was simple. This job was what I needed at the moment, and I learned so much, but it was a stepping stone.

Scouring my journals, hoping to find a clue. One thing jumps out at me that persists: holistic nursing. Not just treating physical symptoms, but treating patients as a whole—mind, body, and soul. Yes! This feels right. But how? There’s a med school opening in Great Falls—do I go back to school and become an osteopathic doctor? That feels warmer, but still not quite right.

I pray to God, Hekate, and my ancestors to show me the way. Let go of trying to figure it all out and just trust I will know when I’m ready, and in the meantime, I will just keep following whatever “willowisps” catch my eye, make note of them in my journal, and have faith that I’m on the right path.

At my therapist appointment, Dana mentions I should teach an art class at the Paris Gibson Museum. My heart leaps, and it seems too good to be true. I’m not a professional artist, but I am passionate about sharing my love of creating, of how I learned to get out of my own way and give myself permission to reconnect with my inner child to create without self-judgment. Finding an outlet to release the pent up emotional energy. She mentions life coaching, and at first I think of the Instagram health coaches, and this doesn’t seem right to me. Who am I to coach people on how to live their lives when I’m such a trainwreck?

Still, I keep the thought in the back of my head and a few days later I google it. Online life coach certifications. Somehow, I end up on Pacific College’s website—there’s an online RN-to BSN program with a focus in holistic healing. Without thinking twice I know instinctively this is my next step. I don’t know exactly what I will do with it, but I know it’s calling to my soul and I can’t say no.

The Universe is so amazing. I stumbled on Coursera’s University of Michigan free course, Brilliant, Passionate You. I listen and take notes.

What if every day could be the best day of my life? It sounds impossible, but after continuing to listen, I realize it’s only impossible because I have been believing that’s impossible. I’ve been locked in a jail cell, telling myself nothing will ever change, that this is just the way life is. Yet hearing this class makes me realize the key to get out has been in my pocket all along…I just have to use it.

The typical American starts working at 18 and works until retirement, about 65. If the average life expectancy is 80, that means we will work a job for approximately half our lives. How many times have I said, “God, I wish I could retire right now…” What am I doing? Why am I working a job that doesn’t fulfill me, doesn’t give me a sense of purpose?

Why am I not figuring out my purpose, and doing that? What is my purpose? What matters to me? What lights a fire in my soul and is something that I will champion until my last breath?

Children. Women. Mental health. Addiction. People who started life behind the 8 ball and still don’t give in or give up. Encouraging others. My purpose is to be the person I needed when I was younger, and that is who I will become, and that is what I will do for a job. Because it won’t be just a job—it will be my passion, and it is my calling.

Just thinking about this, my anxiety, depression, my urges to drink, to “numb out” have practically disappeared. Instead I’m excited, and can’t wait to get out of bed and get this journey started…

I can’t change my past. I wouldn’t change my parents, or anything that happened. Everything I went through made me stronger and made me who I am today. By forgiving them for being human, I can move forward and move on. I can forgive myself as a mother, for not recognizing that it’s not okay to get overstimulated and overwhelmed and take it out on my sweet boys. I will forgive myself, and I will do better. I will break this cycle I never realized wasn’t normal.