It’s 2:52 AM and the wind is howling outside and I’m sitting on the couch, wearing Tyler’s hoodie. Rip is lying next to me, chewing on his frozen beef bone—a reward for learning “leave it” and not chasing the cats. I know now he is my familiar, my Toto, and I have a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore. But that’s okay, because I have Toto by my side as I go searching for my Tin Man, Cowardly Lion, and my Scarecrow.

The days since I last posted have been such a whirlwind I don’t even know where to start. My stomach is queasy and the cough syrup I took yesterday afternoon because I woke up yesterday morning fully sober, no alcohol, no DXM, and the mean reds were so horrible I just couldn’t do it. But I was honest and I told everyone who loves me that I fell once again. I haven’t showered or bathed since the morning I took Logan to the ER, and the Sharpie is still on my arm as I write…a gentle reminder to give myself grace. I told Tyler that was all I wanted for Christmas, this to be my next tattoo, because tattoos have stories and symbols to remind us of where we’ve been because it’s easy to stumble and forget when we’re healed and begin to think we’re stronger than we really are and lie to ourselves as we take that sip of whatever temptation that caused us to fall in the first place. But I’m getting ahead of myself so I’ll start where we left off.

Deep breath, Jen, you can do this. Get it out of your head and onto paper. I give myself grace because I know just how batshit crazy I sound when I’m so far down the rabbithole, my hair pulled by the stars and I’m off in La La Land. But I’ll just be honest and write, and know the ones who love me won’t judge and somehow will still love me, my too muchness and brokenness and all.

The wind is howling and the cats are in heat and meowing and Rip is chewing so loud and I can’t concentrate, I can’t focus. My mom told me I would have superpowers and now I know my hearing aid is my superpower—I can turn it off and drown out the noise just a little so I can breathe and just try to focus.

I’m honestly so overwhelmed I don’t even know where to start but I have an appointment with Lisa (provider) at 11, Dana (therapist) at noon, and Victoria/HR (most amazing boss/friend I could ask for) after that, and then I will meet my new best friend who I love already—I’ll call her B— and we’ll go to AA and then I’ll come home to Tyler and everything will be okay. My tea is comforting, and the tag a message, “Even a journey of a thousand miles starts with a first step.” So I take 10 deep breaths like Amanda said, relax my shoulders and here we go…

Sunday, November 28, 2021 1430

We went out and watered the cows. I’m exhausted after the emotional labor of my blog post, but Tyler waited for me and now we’re climbing into the Green Goblin (a 1972 Chevy they use for a water truck). It’s so old and the water is sloshing back and forth, and we slosh down the road and it makes me giggle. I tell the boys we should make up a song to go with the cadence of the sloshing, only to see Tyler’s face. “Honey, how do you do this three times a day?” The man has so much patience and works so hard, my heart is so full of love for him I can hardly stand it. It’s so windy but it’s a purifying wind. The clouds are so gorgeous they take my breath away.

While Tyler works I sit on a rock with the boys and take it all in. I tell Dillon there’s nothing like the smell of cow manure to ground myself. He smiles and spits, the wind carries it so far. I laugh and tell him to do it again, but this time against the wind. We all giggle as the wind carries it back and almost gets him in the face. I tell Dillon he’s pretty good at spitting, that Mommy tried and I just can’t do it, and my mom would say it’s not ladylike anyway and I kind of agree.

We get up and and look into the horizon. The wind is so strong and I remember nature is healing and I can hold my burdens in the palm of my hand and let the wind carry it away like dandelion seeds. I close my eyes and stretch my arms out, leaning into the wind, into the pain, and I realize confronting my fears and healing my wounds isn’t as hard as I thought it might be, and drinking to run away from the pain is far worse than leaning into the wind and letting it all go. I turn around after a moment and Dillon is watching me. I tell him how lucky we are, that some people would pay millions to do what we’re doing in this beautiful state, making memories…this is the good stuff. I give him a hug and thank God for my sweet son…he’s so strong and his gift is being the rock for our family…a gift he loves doing but he’s only 10 and this is a burden he shouldn’t have to carry. I vow to myself I will be strong, I will get better, so my son can be a kid and not have to parent his mom in all her weakness.

As we drive home home I think out loud. Turning to Dillon I tell him society tells men that women want them to be rich, well-groomed, and the way to show their love is to control their family, but really all women want is a man to love God and follow his heart, and to love her enough to allow her to love her God and be who she is, broken pieces and all. I thank God for Tyler, this day has been so hard and he let me be me, loving me through it all. I realize I am falling for him and I’m afraid still, but his love feels so good I can’t help it. Dillon asks Tyler a question and as I listen to Tyler’s answer, I’m blown away with how intelligent this man is…He explains we all have our shadow side, the yin and yang and it’s all about balance. We all self medicate in some way to run away from the shadow side, but for those who embrace their darkness, heal their wounds get an advantage. He talks about pirates and patches and how long it takes the eye to get accustomed to the dark. And by keeping one eye covered, when it comes time to fight below deck, they simply switch the patch to the other eye and now they can see in the dark.

From my journal:

11/29/21 1914 Living Room watching NFL—Seahawks vs Washington
oh my God I don’t know if I can do this my mind is so blown every nerve on fire You’re here so close to me I can practically touch You and I’ve never felt so amazing in my life I finally have hope I feel alive Life is so good and how can I sleep when there is so much to be done? I go from one thing to the next like a child in a candy store and it just keeps getting better and better.
Psalm 19:11, written on my Bible when I found You last time, a note from my sweet friend Cori written on a napkin, ‘I cannot ever find or see you! It’s too bad you had to work today :( That made me sad…but oh well! Tomorrow is another day! Love yas, Dweller by the Water, and on the front it says, “Eat the cinnamon roll for breakfast and read my poem-tell me what you think. I don’t know what it is but read Psalms 19:7-11. Smile! God loves you!

12/1/21 0415: As I’m writing this, I realize I looked up the wrong verse! In my cough syrup haze, I thought it said Psalm 9:11, I don’t know if I was thinking of 911?

Psalm 9:11 leads me to Isaiah 1 my mind is so blown but I will trust in You my heart is so full I feel like I can explode living moment to moment the Glimpses never ending Reckless Love your worship songs play through my mind my own private symphony I can see Your plans and Tyler’s dream of a $15 million farm that will bring Your love to people, give them hope and a purpose and a future. All my pain will be worth it I understand now why I had to go through it all, the underworld, but You, Hekate, and my ancestors weere there through it all even when I couldn’t see or feel You.
Just write your day let it out tell your story
7:48 PM: Tyler makes me watch a replay of a Seattle linebacker (94) running a 94 touch down return on a blocked field goal against Washington. Another player is running and his hamstring seems to just snap out of nowhere and I tell Tyler God is pissed at Washington and I ask what is going on in Washington? Tyler tells me it’s not the state, it’s Washington, D.C. and it makes sense…God is pissed at the politicians’ greed and corruption. I know I sound crazy so I ask Tyler if he’ll proofread my blog before I write because I don’t want to be put in the looney bin. He tells me he can’t do that, only I can. I’m on a different wavelength than everyone else and no one gets it they all think I’m crazy but I’m not crazy it’s true! Tyler and I are talking about our spirituality and God knows me better than I know myself so why do I need forgiveness? I love Jesus and I believe He is amazing but I think things were deliberately written to distort the truth and we’re making it so much more difficult than it really has to be. We just need to learn the tools, like we can control ourselves or we can try to control the situation but we can’t do both. I love my Bible but I just take what resonates and listen to my God for myself.

Tuesday, November 20, 2021 1242 Living Room

Tyler asleep chilly out clear feels like autumn so grateful for rain feeling like we’re on the right path God is happy God I hear You clear as day the ideas and thoughts coming faster and faster I pray Your will be done, I will control myself and trust You to control the situation Just write sweet girl, just write, Breathe. Wooh sah, going to get my coffee in my Buddha cup I made/painted it makes me happy and for some reason I felt compelled to bring it home yesterday oh I understand now so completely. God, open Victoria’s heart, her soul, let her experience how amazing You are. You brought us together for a reason Titus Time Kayla Victoria Amanda Mandy Brenda B Trista Dawn Ella Monica Pauline Pam Cortney Paula Louise Mom Ronda Jackie feeling like this is dangerous if I don’t trust You listen to You to guide me I don’t want to be put in the looney bin. Watching the game last night Tyler told me Washington is Washington DC I always thought it was State and now I realize the freak play, the hamstring, the injuries—God is mad at the greed, the corruption. Something major is beginning, the eclipses signaling the start of something new a new chapter 27 27 27 and it kicks off with this next eclipse I got my period yesterday and I’m only now feeling cramps feeling like I should collect this blood it’s scary magic but I trust You God I just now began to have cramps okay God I hear You

I’m back coffee in hand let the dog out doggy doors for both doors so the dogs can come and go as they please, the cats too the cats are in heat Chloe and Cleo. God You’re telling me Rip needs to go where I go, I need to talk to Pauline, explain with Tyler, don’t force myself into a job that doesn’t resonate the perfect person will come to show Victoria the way just be honest everything will work out baby steps in the next right direction follow the glimpses, my voice. My peace is all encompassing, I feel so trying not to swear so beautifully devastatingly alive need to get water testing supplies seeds ways to catch gray water it’s not legal but if we keep following God then rain will come and we won’t have to rely on hauling water It’s not paranoia it’s You, right? Pressure canner supplies a dining room table to sit 20 what if it could be a circle lol like King Arthur Tyler would probably laugh and shake his head God I love that man so much bless him, I hope he can feel at least half of what I do I don’t really want to be medicated I feel a sense of urgency, there isn’t much time to waste Money is just energy trust Me sparrows have all they need and so will you just like the settlers of old who didn’t have electricity Nate’s generator can supply a neighborhood need to get that up and running emergency use only hospital etc reach out to Jon (crypto?) everyone has their own part to play Rio his back, his symptoms just write your story and if you build it they will come Chiron’s Lantern based on Your words that I wrote in the boys’ Bible David vs Goliath another boy for the war machine John Eldredge’s book how to raise boys we all have our gifts embrace our masculine and feminine. Tyler is my Beast and I am his Belle he acts like a beast and kinda looks like one too but he keeps me grounded lets me be me and under that gruff exterior is my prince charming the rose in a glass a beautiful castle he doesn’t have much to his name but he has everything I could ever have wanted I need to get out my list I created like Practical Magic I’ve broken my family’s ancestral curse I can finally be free I can finally let myself have everything I dreamed of and I’m not scared at all I don’t know how all this will work complete transparency build it and they will come everyone has their passion that makes them feel whole we all have our part we want to play. Everyone has free will their money is their own. All money that goes into Chiron’s Lantern can be displayed all earn a paycheck legally and fair but their wage is public and no one gets overpaid checks and balances the way our foudning fathers imagined free to pursue whatever feels good, resonates, come as you are, your soul knows how to find God as long as you’re not hurting anyone and you have peace in your soul. If you have to hide it it’s not ok—no one will judge you more than yourself #metoo Listen to God, put Him first always. Tithe accordingly however you choose. You can’t outgive God but He has to be first my witch’s bottle is still there 10132 7 fuck with mine pay times nine fireplace heat books on living the way our ancestors did a greenhouse livestock shelter belts of honeysuckle and lilacs need to make a bottle for this property too the rattlesnake I skinned and wrapped around the sage I folded the snake bones into an ouroboros and gave thanks to the snake and this land, praying to God, Hekate and my ancestors to please watch over all who I love, guide us show us the way Tyler is scared I can see it in his eyes but he lets me be me someone comes up to us on the gravel road while I’m skinning the rattlesnake I know I look crazy but I’m just doing what God tells me I wrap it porcupine quills and twine and do my prayer I love this sweet house and give it thanks, asking her to protect us from the coming storm I put it in the safe downstairs but it starts to smell and Tyler doesn’t like it so I agree to bury it, repeating my prayer for protection why am I doing this I don’t know they won’t understand I don’t want to go to the looney bin I’m so afraid just trust Me it will be okay, just Breathe…a fireplace or something for warmth, coal? I don’t know how I can keep up with all this talk to Amanda let her come to God soften her heart and Nate’s too don’t read the news it’s not yours to control something big is unfolding Epstein Hollywood DC the ones we idolized have fallen from God the hurt they’ve caused on full display finally the victims will have a voice and be heard we all have a voice and deserve to be heard it’s our body our life I do my thing and you do yours Gestalt prayer do whatever God tells you that sweet still knowing so amazingly beautiful ugh my heart is going to explode ancestral altars I don’t like plastic I want to compost Can I talk to B—can she translate all this make it make sense and easier for people to read? Ghostwriter write a book based on our lives with our drawings Take website down password protected I can still free conscious write without fear like Harry Potter Chiron’s Lantern talk to Louise secret author Let B manage social media set up CL social media I can still share as mixed media by jenni ugh God I have $142.08 and my debt repayment just bounced again for the 2nd time how can I quit my job I trust You I trust You yeah but…like Logan “yeah but” no yeah but, yes ma’am, yes sir, I hear You. Leaping into the Unknown 0 The Fool Aleph Breath of God Genesis V Hierophant Taurus II High Priestess Moon Sent Victoria resignation letter Jeremiah 29:11
0405 Gonna take a trazodone and sleep…
0627 Tyler’s awake God I pray You give him strength and patience I know all this is crazy

Tuesday November 30, 2021 0853

Sitting in Tyler’s chair as he came downstairs. He sits on the couch loves me enough to let me have his throne. He’s tired and frustrated he uses his foot to move Rip. A flashback of Teddy and Nate and I realize he’s trying to be God and breaking under the stress. The pills he relies on to keep himself in control from his anger are muting God and he can’t hear Him isn’t listening to Him I try to tell him we need to choose God he needs to trust God to heal his demons but he gets defensive

1136

Dillon saw it coming home from treatment Foxy dying trying to get her up I fainted trying to help Nate said he can’t lose me too Foxy sacrifice Dillon rattlesnake he wouldn’t change his ways so I had to leave I have to learn this soul lesson and trust You I can’t lose You again so I tell Tyler I have to choose my God and my heart is breaking I finally found the one I can love and now I have to give him away and it hurts so badI trust You where do I go if it doesn’t work out if he won’t stop the medications not mine to worry about Mandy Amanda they don’t /won’t understand they’re rejecting You and me and it’s painful so painful but free will I have to let go and let You trust You VIctoria’s worried 40 days/nights in the desert The drought will continue unless we turn to You, praise Your name, I need to read Your word-Jesus 40 days/40 nights…why haven’t I heard back from Pacific College? I’ll just be still and know You are God Cory Asbury Reckless Love of God You give and take away yet my heart will choose to say Blessed be the name of God…Daily OM email—Message of Pain
Talk with Mom Bueses Ships and Helicopters BPD spiral high/low
Appt with Lisa/Dana tomorrow
Rosie the LIzard/rose-colored glasses strikes again
All I want is my God Abraham sacrificing his songs spouse, job I hurt John I’m overstepping my bounds medical intuition—don’t diagnose

12/1/2021 0507 I am exhausted, it’s hard reading this I’m so caught between two worlds Tyler loves me he was going to let me go sobbing as I explained to him how much I loved him but I love God more and I need to go to Maine and be with my mom God is telling me to go to Maine if he won’t stop taking his pills and Tyler tells me he cannot do that and my heart is breaking and I will never love anyone like I love him and maybe this won’t be good-bye but a see you later? I explain to him God told me to keep Rip with me and I ask if I can please take Rip with me the look on his face the anguish in his eyes is killing me how can I even ask him for his dog but he just says okay as long as I promise to give him back if ever I can’t keep him no matter what I promise I will he asks about the boys my heart breaks even further and I break down in his arms sobbing how can I let them go please God, let them be okay I love them more than I love myself but I love God the most and I have to listen I text Mom and ask her if I can come home, I need to be gone by the time Tyler comes home but I can’t even pack I’m paralyzed all I can do is lie on the couch and read my Bible the world is so dark and gray and it hurts so fucking bad but God will give me strength I can do this. I realize the cough syrup is wearing off the mean reds are returning and I can feel the darkness closing in. Lean into Him, everything will be okay…

You Have Permission