The Girl Who Let Go
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Before I get into George Strait and what an integral role he played in my marriage with Nate, before I try to explain how sorry I am for all the pain and hurt I caused him, I wanted to share this video by my favorite group, Seven Lions, because it captures everything I’ve felt inside. (They’re playing in Montana in June!! Anyone want to go?!!!) I don’t need anyone to try to make me better. I don’t need anyone to know me, I just need people to let me be me, instead of trying to change me into the Jen they think I should be…
If you love something, set it free. When I met Nate, he introduced me to his true love: George Strait (and Chris LeDoux!). Honestly, our marriage was me and Nate with a steady soundtrack in the background as George Strait and Chris LeDoux sang their tunes that captured moments in our life together.
It all fell apart when I fell asleep at the George Strait concert in Las Vegas and it was all downhill from there. Nate had adamantly refused to fly until he realized if he wanted to go see George in concert, he better suck it up and get on the plane. He loves George that much, and so he did.
So the fact that I had the audacity to fall asleep as George was crooning his songs like lullabies was unthinkable to Nate, or even my aunt. “You don’t appreciate good country music, do you?!” She half-jokingly asked because apparently anyone who falls asleep at a George Strait concert is not worthy lol.
Nate played some of his favorite songs for me after we first met. I will never forget this song starting, and recognizing it without knowing how I recognized it. I saw the writing on the wall as clear as a neon sign. I had a choice to make…walk away now, or walk away later. It was the spring of 2010, I was in the process of divorcing my first husband after realizing I wasn’t in love with him, and married out of naievty and youthful impulsiveness. I was busy finishing nursing school, and at one point thought I was destined to move to Maine, to leave Montana behind and start over fresh, like my mom had done back East. The idea of a clean slate, a new beginning was so enticing. But then I met Nate, and took the most beautiful, heartbreakingly perfect detour I will forever be thankful for…the lyrics haunt me now the same way they did back then, in that 2 bedroom apartment we brought Dillon home to, the one we listened to Lady Antebellum’s song “I Run to You” because all I knew was I was afraid and everyone was mad at me for leaving Chris, mad at me for saying I wasn’t happy. Yet when it came time to decide whether to stay or go, I couldn’t stand the look in his eyes when he told me he felt like the idea of me leaving felt like someone was bombing his village.
Nate held me and gave me a place to stay where I felt warm and loved, affectionally calling me his third child. I hated it, but I will admit, I acted like a child. He loved me the way he knew how, a way that I couldn’t accept because unless I knew how to love myself, how could I ever believe that anyone else could love me? Yet he taught me so much, as we both put up with each other through our worst moments that we kept carefully hidden from the rest of the world, because you have to really trust someone to let your guard down; eventually you have to put away the masks and just be who you are when you let it all hang out. He tried so hard to hold it together until I nearly broke both of us in the process of my own self-destruction. I always knew he would be okay, just like I know the boys will be okay. Not because of me, but because I believe in God above, and so I know His promises are true.
If I don’t write stuff down I forget it. That’s why I have so many journals, because when I’m not self-medicating, I’m “manic”, unable to sleep because my mind is going a million miles an hour. I’m almost afraid to stop writing, because when I wake up I have to remember it all, and what if I forget and go back to sleepwalking, self-medicating myself just to get through life…not realizing I am creating my life as I go, creating Heaven, or Hell…depending on my mood and vibration at the moment. You know, like attracts like. Get in a high vibe state and good things come your way. That’s another secret of the Willowisps…I’ll explain tomorrow.
Just taking a moment to recognize how far we’ve come, together and apart. No longer adversaries, but hopefully now comrades in the journey of giving the two sweetest, most beautiful boys the safest, healthiest, happiest childhoods they deserve. It takes a village, and Nate, I’m finally done bombing yours, if you promise you won’t kick me out all together. I will always, always love the boys more than life itself, and that will never change.
You are worthy of happiness, joy, and good things. You are worthy of someone loving you like you loved me. I never wanted you to be perfect…in fact, you were too good to be true most of the time, and maybe if you would have been a little less perfect, like not starch your jeans so they stand on their own (ha ha just kidding…that will never happen lol).
You’re perfect just the way you are, as long as you are true to yourself.
Enough of this gay shit. Starting to get a little nauseous. I can only listen to so much George Strait, not gonna lie lol.