Dizzy Up the Girl
The last month I've felt like everything has been so overwhelming. Work, politics, the news, Covid, trying to get on top of my finances, a 2016 Jeep Renegade that looks like a Goodwill toaster and acts the same...
Just write, don't think, don't overanalyze. Sitting at the DMV, an appointment I wasn't supposed to get until September 1st even though my driver's license expired on my birthday, July 27th. Right after I made the appointment (the first available) for some reason I looked at the availability again and realized there was an open slot this afternoon. Finished up work, talking with a likeminded coworker who is going through so much more than I am...made my way to the DMV.
What is wrong with me? Why am I feeling this way? Is this just the period from hell and it will pass? I sit in the chair as the guy types away at the keyboard, processing my application for my license renewal. I look around and suddenly tears fill my eyes. Why am I crying? I can't get my picture taken like this...I pull myself together as he prints out my temporary license and sends me on my way.
Feeling this overwhelming sense of dread, wondering if this is what an existential crisis is as I'm driving home. I scroll through my podcasts I've downloaded, randomly choosing one because it feels like it might be soothing. Molly McCord's "Embracing Energetic Support in Your Natal Astrology Chart".
Hit the gravel roads, and roll down the windows. The pressure of the wind pushing my head to the side, and in a way it's symbolic of everything I've been feeling lately. Grasshoppers reverberating off the road as I drive but I'm lost in my thoughts and don't pay much attention until I realize one made it's way into my car. Roll up the windows and continue on...the grasshopper rides shotgun next to me, unmoving.
Looking back on my day now, I remember walking up the stairs to work...the smell of smoke cloying and heavy in the stairwell. Forest fires all around, nothing unexpected but strangely it catches my attention...
Soaking up Molly's words...look to your Venus, your Jupiter. Venus for self-love...am I giving myself affirmation? No, I honestly haven't been. Look to Jupiter to find your gifts...but don't lose sight of other things. Realizing I need to put aside the heaviness of this world, the feelings of powerlessness and fear, hopelessness of it all. Remembering a conversation with Tyler, tearfully trying to explain that just merely living right now is so overwhelming, and that I honestly wouldn't mind dying...not that I would do anything intentionally, but just feeling like everything going on in the world is just too much...almost unbearable. Molly's sweet words buoy my soul and I realize I need to stop worrying, somehow put a plug in this anxiety and focus on the positive. I need to focus on self-affirmations (Venus) and on doing what makes me happy--writing and creating art to express all these emotions and thoughts that constantly swirl around me (Jupiter).
As I pull off the highway, I stop on the dirt road to pick up this grasshopper and open the window, silently urging him to jump away. He doesn't...his presence wraps around my thumb like a ring and I realize he's trying to convey a message from the universe. He finally makes his way onward and so do I, until I happen to look up and see another on the sunroof.
I pull up to this sweet Montgomery Ward farmhouse that was built in the late 1890s/early 1900s and find yet another one. Now I'm really intrigued...so I look up 'grasshopper spiritual meaning' and click on Amelia Bert's blog...
"According to their back long legs, they jump very high regardless of their small size. They only have the ability to jump forward though, nor backward, nor sideways.
Due to this distinct feature, grass-hoppers symbolize moving forward. If you see a grasshopper often in a short period of time, they bring you a strong message from the universe to not hesitate any longer, jump forward fearlessly. Do not feel threatened by doubts or ego, instead, trust your instincts and make the jump. You will be supported by Divine forces into a perfect unfolding of events and situations. Grasshoppers are also a confirmation of recent acts and changes you have made that they are indeed in perfect alignment with your path.
Grasshoppers also signify enlightenment, a spiritual growth, and a divine guidance. You are indeed supported and there are great changes occurring on a spiritual level connecting you to your life’s purpose. Follow your intuition and the guidance you receive. Notice your thoughts the moment you see grasshopper. What is it that you are thinking about? Are you wondering if something is for your highest good? If that is so, then let the grasshopper be a great confirmation to those thoughts.
The more grass-hoppers you notice, the more intense the message that comes from the universe that asks you to make the jump, stop hesitating nor doubting you are ready for the changes. Prepare for the unfolding." https://ameliabert.com/grasshopper-spiritual-meaning/
Writing all this out, thinking and delving into all the thoughts I've let toss around my mind like washing machines and dryers, only to look up to see Tyler walking, covered in soot. My ER nurse brain screams warnings I try to choke back as I sit in Ty's chair and listen,, carefully ignoring his face covered in the remnants of smoke...a careless driver on US 87 set off a fire to a neighboring farmer's land. It's the Montana way...of course every surrounding farmer is going to respond.
As much as I worry when I see his appearance, I can also see the pride. He has a purpose, and he loves what he is doing. I have no doubt he would do it for five cents an hour, or $5,000 an hour. I am so fucking proud of him in this moment. How many people are giving up and slogging through a 9-5 because they don't know their calling?
Me.
As quickly as Ty walks through the door, he gets a call and is gone again. I might be wearing a new dress I bought but I understand. "Take care of your shit and we'll talk when you get home"...insert winki emoji blowing a kiss, as gay as that might sound.
I keep writing the above...it's been so long since I've written anything and God, it feels good. To get all these thoughts out of my head and onto something tangible. Eventually he comes home again and we head out...only he sees a rattlesnake on the gravel road and runs it over. Carefully backing up, he tells me not to get out out of the car. I hear him, yet something stronger is calling me. This isn't my first rodeo with rattlesnakes. I toss a rock at the head--nothing. Before I know it Tyler has grabbed something and has cut the head off and buried it. He moves to cut off the rattles but for some reason I want the skin. He gives me something to skin it as a neighboring farmer pulls up. I can only imagine the scene he is encountering, but I don't care. I pull away the skin, feeling the remains, carefully folding them up in the ourboros and giving thanks as I gently toss it into the grass. Everything has a purpose, and in this moment I am so thankful. We get back into the truck and process the last moments.
Apparently through all this, I snapped at Tyler when he was going to cut the rattles off...something I have no recollection of. In my mind, all I can remember is an instinctual "I need to do this...". Something to remember...a thought said in a moment can have long lasting repercussions. Yet I'm thankful to Ty that he can voice these feelings to me and we can talk through this. That he can give me the space to skin this rattlesnake as much as he hates them, because he knows how important it is to me. Fleeting thoughts go through my mind--"If my Mom could only see me, she would lose her shit..." I don't know why I want the rattlesnake skin, but I do.
We make our way down US 87, between Floweree and Carter, as I see the aftereffects of the fire. I suddenly realize just how bad this could have been, and am thankful they were able to get this under control.
Continuing on, taking a right into Carter. I remember taking the gravel road to Floweree and Tyler obliges. I have this overwhelming desire to get out, to just run. To be free...feeling the wheat stalks piercing my barefeet. Wondering what it might have been like to be a Native American, running free. Instead I sit back and watch the landscape and try to get my thoughts in control. To be normal. We dip down into a coulee and I revel in how I can see the road unfold. We eventually see how much earth the fire scorched, and Tyler lets me out. For some reason I just want to feel it in my hands. It smells so sweet...
As we make our way home I see wild sage, and can't help remember a woman telling us the time to pick sage is in August, so I ask Tyler to back up. He obliges, and we pick a handful. Yet we no longer smoke, and have no tobacco to offer. I know what I can offer, but honestly, I can't help but worry about how he might judge me...he has to pee, so I quickly pull up my dress and with my monthly blood on my fingers, I give thanks to the sage brush. I don't know if it's enough, but as I give my appreciation, deep inside I feel a connection and I know it's okay.
We make our way home, smelling the sweet sage. The snake skin is on the dash. I can still smell the protein on my fingers. For some reason I feel compelled to wrap the sage with the rattlesnake skin, and realize the protective properties. My first thought was to burn it, but Tyler quickly reminds me of the afternoon events and I realize how foolish this would be. I think about it a little more and realize burning it would be counterproductive. But burying this...this isn't our property.
No, it's not our property. Yet this sweet house has stood the test of time and has shown very little wear and tear. For as long as she's been here, as much as she's seen, the only vibrations I've ever gotten from entering this house are loving, protective ones.
After a much needed shower on Tyler's part, we talk. After carefully listening to me talk about work, he tells me he knows I've lost my spark. Modern medicine and politics has left me with no longer wanting to be a nurse. He casually mentions humanitarian nursing, and I feel an ember of hope. I'm so tired of feeling like I have no purpose. Feeling like I can either try to make a difference and have the soul sucked out of me and sacrifice everything, or work a soul sucking desk job but at least I can have a home life. But am I happy? Yet he listens, and not only listens, but gives me permission to explore, to venture forth. The possibilities...maybe something to think about later but I feel a little bloom of hope and I realize this is what I've been looking for...
I light a Himalayan salt candle holder and white candle, say my LBRP, and draw my cards face down. I ask Tyler to help me wrap two feathers around the sage and rattlesnake skin, and then decide to wrap dried hollyhock flowers as well. As hot and dry as this summer has been, yet they endure.
When I see the Angel card, I can't help but laugh. Jeliel. The helping God. Love and Wisdom. Victory over those who would attack you. Protection and appreciation towards this sweet house that for some reason I want to call Maggie.
Just going to keep following these will' o wisps, trusting that everything will work out and I will find my way. Expressing gratitude to the Universe, to God, Hekate, and my Ancestors...even when I get in my own way and trip up, somehow things always fall into place.