Looking Back to Move Forward

Leaving was the hardest thing I’ve ever done but the right choice. He's with someone now who seems to make him happier than I even could or ever will. Looking back, trying to find pictures of us, happy...I realize we didn't even take pictures together when Logan was born. We were going through the motions, everyone thought we were happy, but inside I was dying.

I've been so frustrated with myself, thinking I would be further ahead and feeling like I've been stagnant for so long. Talking with my mom, she reassures me, tells me I'm making progress, day by day, even if I don't see it right now. So I just keep taking another step, visualizing where I want to be in the future, and writing, making art to keep my sanity.

My spirituality has grown so much, with so little effort. I know I come across as eccentric to the people who know me best, but they still love me and I am finally in a place that I can start to love myself, because I know I'm following and listening to what resonates for me. I'm not living my life for anyone else anymore...and that is the most liberating, freeing feeling. I don't think I could go back to the person I was before...just like a bird would never fly back into the cage that constrained it once it was able to be free.

Only in looking back can I realize how far I've come. Rereading my writing, remembering where I was at is a little heartbreaking.

May 4, 2018 7:57 PM

The past week has been so...blah. I push myself to get the boys ready, to get my work done, to do everything that needs to be done to keep it together. I religiously keep my journal daily, jotting down the day's events taping down mini Polaroids from the day to show me how amazing my life is. Their smiles loan me a little more energy to get through the day. 

But something isn't right. It shouldn't be this hard. I'm so blessed but I am so depressed.

I'm so tired of living in this gray world where I'm so tired all the time, and I never feel like doing anything. I know this is not normal, and I know that I was self-medicating something that I should have gone to a doctor for in the first place. This is not normal and trying to pretend it is isn't okay. Self-medicating and living an empty existence, going through the motions, is not okay. This is not the life God intended for me…