Blessings and Uneasiness
It’s been such a good day. Created some art with the boys…Dillon made me the angel below. Turned the bone broth I made from the chicken bones into broth and made chicken noodle soup. Logan loves to help him in the kitchen.
Once we tucked the boys into bed, I went downstairs, feeling heavy, overwhelmed. Why do I feel this way? There’s no good reason, so I turn to my oracle cards, hoping for some answers.
I called out to my ancestors and drew a Sacred Rebels card. 16-What You Want, Wants You
Click the card for a link to Alana Fairchild’s website…this is one of my favorite oracle decks <3
Reading the description in the book resonates so much.
Do you dare to believe that what you want, is also wanting you? The genuine desires of your heart are the sacred purpose of the soul, swathed in pleasure. Yet, if you have been shamed, judged for, made to feel guilt over, or denied your natural desires or pleasures in anyway, you may have developed a very tricky and complicated relationship with the yearnings of your heart. We often learn to distrust our own desires and come to believe that they are something to be overcome or avoided. We may even try to want second best, disbelieving that we are worthy of our first choice, of what we really, genuinely want, and would fulfill us deeply. Perhaps we have conditioned ourselves to believe that getting what we want is for others, not us…
Questions running through my mind—can Nate love me for all I am or will he always secretly be afraid? Why won’t he educate himself [on my spirituality] instead of living in ignorance? I have such a good thing with him and I don’t want to lose him but I feel, I’m afraid he won’t be able to love me in all my “too muchness”, “too witchiness”, “too weirdness”. I feel like a snake, shedding the skin I’ve outgrown and wondering if he’ll expect me to go back to fitting into the old skin. Like I’m erupting out of the cocoon, ready to fly but he wants me to remain safely on the ground. I don’t know how, where to go from here. Do I just let things play out until Nate decides he doesn’t want to be with me anymore? I feel guilty—I would love to just be normal and be content like everyone else, but I can’t do that. Not without being completely miserable. Where do I go, what do I do from here?