The Crucible 1/13/22 published 1/6/23
Everything happens for a reason, something I say and tell myself often.
I stopped counting the days sober I am. I guess I don’t see the point of keeping track when it’s no longer a struggle to drink or self-medicate. As wary as I was of seeing a psychiatrist, I’ll admit the one I have has been helpful. I never really thought about it, but psychiatrists aren’t therapists. Mine asks a question, I answer him, and then he tells me his thoughts and answers my questions. He tried one medication that did nothing but make me sleepy and I was still having anxiety attacks. Christmas Eve afternoon I was hit out of nowhere with one and it was all I could do to tell myself to breathe…just breathe. I never realized how much the holidays trigger me, and I’ve never experienced anxiety attacks like this. Most likely because when I felt even a little anxious, I would turn to substances. This was the only moment I’ve truly been tempted, but the thought of sacrificing my boys, Tyler, my job, my license, my family, and especially the person I am becoming made it easy to turn away from those thoughts. Instead I laid on the kitchen floor for almost an hour, and just leaned into it. I thought about how I just need to get up and make some tea with chamomile and honey and it will go away, but the thought of just getting up and filling a mug with water was too overwhelming.
Eventually the anxiety went away enough that I could focus on just getting through making the tea, one step at a time. Looking back now I realize what an accomplishment that was, but honestly it didn’t feel like one because the choice was so simple to make. Yet it’s a step in the right direction, and I’m proud of the life I’m building, sober.
It’s been such a whirlwind week I don’t even know where to begin. Dillon called Saturday night and asked me to pick him up. It’s a long story, but CPS became involved and the boys are with me for the next 30 days. So thankful that I am sober and able to be there for them when they need me. They still argue, but now instead of letting it drive my anxiety higher and higher, I explain to them when I feel my anxiety going up, and they listen. I enjoy being in their presence, hearing their stories and wanting somehow to preserve their innocence as long as I can. To give them the tools I’m learning to hopefully give them a strong inner compass when they venture out on their own.
Trying to figure out daycare, communicating with teachers, and realizing how thankful I am for family and friends that rally around me when we need them most. Being broke after being off work and only able to work 12 hours a week has been painful, but I trust God and I am realizing all the things that really aren’t necessities after all. I don’t miss Starbucks. Thank God I’m not smoking/drinking anymore because that wouldn’t even be an option.
Continuing on in school when I can, between taking care of the boys first, and trying to keep up with therapy and work. Reminding myself there is no use in worrying about the future, but to just be in the present moment.